Sol, the sun, Earth’s nearest star, announced in a press release today that it would soon be retiring. “It’s not a sudden decision,” wrote the sun; “it was really nice long ago before humans arrived, and even after humans arrived it was nice for a while. Some of the humans even worshipped me as a god – man, that makes a celestial body feel real good, being worshipped. As humans got more advanced, though, they started thinking of me as just another star, and once they understood nuclear physics, they started thinking of me as just a perpetual hydrogen bomb. Who wants to be thought of as just a big bomb? But the thing that finally convinced it was time to retire was that sun in the sky at Second Life. That thing is huge! Now, instead of being worshipped, or at least thought of as a big ball of plasma, after seeing that monstrously big sun in the Second Life sky, people will look at me and think “Refrigerator bulb.” It’s not easy fusing hydrogen into helium all the time; I’d like to at least get a little respect. So that’s enough. I’m quitting.”
The Sun’s retirement will of course mean an end to all life on earth, which is to say, all known life in the universe. Questioned about their role in the cessation of all known life, Linden Lab spokespersons declined to comment.